Masks
by Asidian
Summary: The seishi each reflect in turn about the masks they use to hide themselves, and the ones that keep them from truly seeing their friends.


It's strange, isn't it?  
  
You all know I'm hiding something, and yet you never care to ask what. If it had ever made anyone wonder, you certainly never brought it up... And -I- have to wonder... is it because none of you care?  
  
Or because you're afraid of what -I'll- ask, once you've had your answers?  
  
I'd have to be completely blind not to see it; I know I'm not the only one who wears a mask. Just because mine is physical, tangible, doesn't make it any more real than yours.  
  
I wonder... What scars do you hide inside your hearts? For surely there's something-there's always something you hide.  
  
Do they hurt you? Your scars? I know better than anyone that old wounds never heal, not completely. And that hiding them only makes it worse. You understand that. All of you. Perhaps as well as I do.  
  
How much of yourselves do you see in me, I wonder? Is my mask, ever-smiling, too accurate a reflection of your own? Does it hurt, to be reminded of everything you all try so hard to forget?  
  
...Maybe that's why no one mentions it. Not the questions that scare you, but the idea that our answers might match a little too closely.  
  
...I understand. So I'll let it go, like I always do. And you can keep your masks... And I'll keep mine, no da.  
  
***  
  
I don't want to go.   
  
I know it already, but say nothing; I always say nothing. It would be strange now, to break the habit.  
  
I know what our journey will bring: death. And even I can't heal the dead. I know that all too well.  
  
But if we remain in Konan, the war will bring -more- death. And so we must go and look it in the eyes, to save others from ever having to know it exists.  
  
And so -I- must go, and say nothing. And hope that none of you see the doubts I hold silent, just below the surface.  
  
***  
  
Suzaku. I feel like a lost child.   
  
I've found her, found her at last-the Suzaku no miko, the woman I've always dreamed of. And though she never loved me, never will, it doesn't matter... Because -I- love -her-, with all my heart.  
  
And at least I have her here with me: the only woman that doesn't treat me as an Emperor, but as a man.  
  
Soon, though, she will leave. You all will, and I will be alone again, lost in the title that's become nearly all I am. The thought terrifies me.  
  
I would rather risk my life in your quest, rather -give- my life for your quest, than remain here without her. Without any of you.  
  
...But I am the Emperor, and there is my kingdom to consider. So I will stay behind, and pretend to be strong. I will guide my people, and pretend to have no fear.  
  
I will stand by and watch you leave, my friends... And pretend for all I'm worth that she isn't taking my heart with her.  
  
***  
  
You might have died. All of you.  
  
The thought won't cease its insistent pull, and it's growing more demanding as our departure approaches.  
  
What might have come to be, had I arrived only moments later? My mind shies from the answer, but I know I ought to come to terms with it. The journey will be dangerous, after all, and the peril of death looms above us all.   
  
Still, I can't bring myself to think of any of you- so very, very alive- as you may well be by the time we've completed our mission.  
  
And what will I be able to do, to prevent it?  
  
Nothing. The answer stings, but I know it's truthful. My ability to intervene before was purely chance; if any of you were to be killed, I could do little more than watch.  
  
My helplessness frightens me. My gift is wisdom... but what can that do in the face of a war? In the face of death?  
  
Koutou has tried already to have you all killed, and with all my being I dread their future success.  
  
...But since I was small, I knew that this day would come, as surely as death will, eventually. And fear will not stop a war, or save lives. Especially yours.  
  
So I'll smile, and put on a happy front. I know I can't do much, but I swear I'll try.  
  
If I have to be strong, I will. Even if I'm shaking inside.  
  
***  
  
What if I loose her?  
  
The thought never occurred to me before, never even crossed my mind. But after I lost so much, I needed to take stock of what was left.  
  
The result? Miaka. My love. My life. My hope and dreams, my heart and soul.  
  
And now, my wife. Not yet, I know, but when we return...  
  
If we -do- return. I trust you all, of course; I know any one of you would give your lives for her, without a second thought.  
  
But it's frightening to realize just how easy it would be, for her to die.  
  
To die.  
  
Even thinking it shocks me to the very heart. I can hardly imagine a world without her. Nor would I want to  
  
And, gods... If I had to live there, I'm not sure I could go on living, myself.  
  
But I'll be damned if I let it show. Nothing could make me destroy one of her precious smiles, make me tell her the fears that plague me.  
  
Because then they would be hers, too.  
  
***  
  
Fuck.  
  
I don't know how he does it, day in an' day out.  
  
But then, whatever -he's- hidin's safe behind that gods-damned mask of his.  
  
I'm so fuckin' -sick- of tryin' ta read him through that thing, tryin' ta figure out if he's guessed yet.  
  
He's gonna eventually, I know... Or one of -you- will. I just ain't no fuckin' -good- at this shit.  
  
But I got awhile yet, maybe, if I play it cool. I just gotta hope we get done before I do somethin' stupid, an' make him hate me.  
  
Suzaku, I don't think I could fuckin' -take- that.  
  
Times like this, I wish he wasn't the only one hidin' behind a mask.  
  
***  
  
Everyone's so quiet tonight! I guess you're all just thinking about leaving... It's not like I can blame you! It'll be so nice taking a trip down the canal-- and we get to see a whole different empire. Well, I guess Kutou was a whole different empire too, but this is so much more exciting! And just because Tamahome and I can't be together doesn't mean we won't have fun... so cheer up, minna-san!  
  
And just think-- once Suzaku's summoned, I can see Yui-chan again, and maybe then I can help her get past everything she's been through... I can finally explain everything to her-- I'm sure she'll understand, if she'll only listen. I swear I won't forget about her, and that we'll be together again- she's my best friend, and nothing can ever change that!  
  
I almost wish we could leave now-- then we'd get to Houkan that much sooner, and summon Suzaku sooner, and then nothing could go wrong!  
  
......Well, maybe not right now... We can't leave before -dinner-...  
  
***  
  
Only Miaka! Trust that girl to look danger in the face and ask for food.  
  
I swear, I've never known anyone so completely -happy- all the time. She never stops smiling, now that we're all together.  
  
Suzaku knows, she deserves it... But sometimes, I wonder if she has any -idea- how lucky she is.  
  
She has any number of people willing to do anything humanly -possible- to please her. She has two -gorgeous- men madly in love with her, and the ultimate chance to make all her wishes come true. She's the -miko-, for Suzaku's sake!  
  
And she never hides anything. Never has to.  
  
When she laughs, it's because she's happy; when she cries, she's hurting inside. But she lets it show, whatever the case may be.  
  
I envy her sometimes, being so open and sincere. I wish that when I smiled, it was more than just a front, more than just something useful to cover the tears.  
  
...But maybe that's why I love her so much-why we all do. She's everything that we could be, if we only stopped pretending.  
  
I wonder, what would it be like to see you all as open as she is- all your walls down, all your masks put away?  
  
...But that, I know, won't happen. Not for me, not for any of us.   
  
Not until we heal whatever scars we're hiding.  
  
~owari~  



End file.
